Raindrops keep falling on my head

The sudden downpour scared the crap out of me! No thunder though, thank goodness (obviously, if there was I wouldn't be sitting here blogging). Ben just told me that his friend's friend got struck dead by lightning yesterday. Gosh, poor guy...my heart goes out to his family =/ Worst way to die IMO.

I didn't get any studying done today, but I still have a few hours before bedtime (which, for me is usually 3 a.m. hehe) so I'mma try to squeeze in some chapters for 111 into my head. Bloody hell I have essays for this subject...gotta study even more. It'd be embarrassing to blank out and get zero. CHOI CHOI *touch wood*

There's literally nothing to study for Career Guidance, I don't see any notes on MyAcel (I keep wanting to say BB7 LOL) so I don't know what the heck they're gonna ask in the exam. 50%!! Blah who cares. I'm not worried about that stupid subject. It's the other 3 that are making me nervous, 105 carrying the most marks (40%) and if I don't do well I'll fail coz midterms and finals altogether are worth 70% and I did really badly for my midterms, definitely not enough to pass even with my coursework. Ugh. PMG is only 25% so screw it, will be glad to see the end of it. As for 111...it's 30% but ESSAYS! ESSAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! I haven't had essays for exams since ICPU!! *dies*

Wow I just wasted 15 minutes blogging about exams when I could have used that time to study 1 or 2 pages of my textbook. Yay me -_-

It's gonna be a LONG 10 days 'til my emancipation. Heh.

Please remember, remember December!

Title is Demi Lovato's new song. She's the only Disney star whom I feel is somewhat decent. I am very anti-Cyrus and Jonas Brothers! And whatever crap the music industry is churning out these days.

So! It's already December 2009. My goodness the year has flown by so fast. I shall do some reflections now on the ups and downs of this year...

1. Had a 4-month break before college. WOOHOO BEST BREAK OF MY LIFE. Stayed in other people's houses for 2/4 months coz of the renovations.
2. Went for proper acting classes during the 4-month break...again, I thoroughly enjoyed it, finally getting to work with THE Joe Hasham. Found out about Kaki Blue auditions through him.
3. Worked part-time for...less than 3 weeks out of the 4 months HAHA. Still earned some money la so I guess it's not so bad. I spent most of my time being picky about jobs :P
4. Got fired by a really emo boss for no reason :S (That has to be a record, working for only 1 and a half days and getting fired LOL)
5. Went for Kaki Blue auditions. Made it through callbacks. Made it through as an ensemble member. Made a bunch of awesome, talented friends who share my passion for the arts. This is definitely my biggest accomplishment for 2009. Reinforced the fact that the stage is my home :) I will never ever ever give up acting, singing and dancing!
6. Started life as a university student! Psychology is definitely not what I thought it would be. It's torture but it's also very very interesting (NOT PMG, LLS and Career Guidance that's for sure, useless subjects). I'm wondering if I am smart enough to graduate with at least upper 2nd class honours. (Well I HAVE to get that as a minimum grade for my Masters) For the first time I am truly scared of getting anything lower than a B for the sake of my CGPA.
7. Discovered Eckhart Tolle and other spiritual masters and delved deeper into spirituality. Still on this journey.
8. Learnt how to properly manage my money, and started saving a LOT more than I did when I was in Taylors. (P.S. don't go to Taylors if you can't control your spending, but go there if you wanna take ICPU! It's the best!)
9. Went through a stage of self-doubt with lots of tears. Still wondering if I'm on the right tertiary path for my future. Pondered (and still pondering) the reason for my existence on this planet.
10. Went through a very emotional breakup after a 4-year relationship, but it was for the best.
11. Improved my piano playing and sight-reading significantly (although it still needs a LOT of work). Became very passionate about music.
12. Was shocked at the huge number of chinese educated students in HELP. Finally accepted the fact that I cannot run away from Mandarin and am now attempting to learn enough to communicate properly ._.
13. Played my first Final Fantasy game (HAHA!)
14. Celebrated a not-so-proper-Halloween with a bunch of awesome people for the second time in my entire life. (First was when I was a kid and went trick-or-treating)
15. Got my car. MY CAR! MY CAR! MY CAR! I LURVE IT. Psst, the last time I washed it was a few months ago. LOL. And it's BLACK. I am such a lazybum.

Those are the most significant events...I'm sure there are more but I can't really put my finger on them now. 2009 has been a good year, definitely more accomplishments than bad events =]
And now it's December. I'm auditioning for Young KL Singers (YKLS) this Saturday, finals are in a week and a half, then HOLIDAYS!!! Gonna end 2009 with a bang!!!!! I gotta feeling, that next year's gonna be a good year, that next year's gonna be a good good yearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The Question

Sunlight streamed in through the glass windows of Eluna's car, causing the brunette to squint in discomfort from the sudden brightness. Beside her, a young, bespectacled man chuckled and opened the drawer in front of him, grabbing a pair of oversized sunglasses and handing it to her. Eluna smiled in gratitude and as she put on her sunglasses, the bright light dimmed considerably. "Thanks, Zack..." she said as she ignited her car engine and turned on the air conditioning. The car park was surprisingly empty at this time of day, and Eluna wondered where everybody was. It wasn't normal of the civilians who lived in this area to avoid the mall on a weekend, but she decided to take advantage of the current situation to ask her best friend some questions. Questions she had been dying to ask for days.

Eluna took a deep breath and turned to look at her friend. "Hey...Zack?" "Mm?" he murmured in reply, turning to look at her. "I've been wondering...do you still think about last time?" Eluna echoed, her voice wavering slightly. Zack raised an eyebrow in confusion. "What do you mean, last time?" At this, Eluna decided that eye contact was the best thing to do, and she reversed her car until the sunlight disappeared, blocked out by the surrounding pillars. She removed her sunglasses and placed them delicately on the dashboard before turning to look at Zack again, her eyes blazing. "Have you forgotten? All that we had? Just a few months ago...before...before..." Eluna trailed off, feeling breathless from the intensity of the emotion that she felt building up in her throat.

Zack was not expecting this sudden confrontation and his face hardened. "Why did you have to bring this up? We're doing just fine, as friends. Can't you just leave it at that? Why bring up the past?" Eluna winced from the definite note of anger in his voice but retorted with "I'm not the one with the outdated 'In a relationship' Facebook status". At this, Zack glared at her, but his expression softened after a while. "I guess so..." he said quietly. Eluna felt more and more impatient with her best friend's determined attitude of not betraying his true feelings. She decided to be upfront with him so that he wouldn't have a choice but to tell her how he really felt.

Eluna looked down at her lap and sighed deeply. "I miss you. I miss us. I know you still have feelings for me, I see it in your eyes when you look at me, Zack. Why do you keep running away?" There was silence for about a minute, and then Eluna looked up impatiently. She felt her cheeks heating up as she saw that Zack was staring at her, emotion blazing in his eyes. He reached out to cup her face in his hands, gazing at her tenderly for what seemed like forever before his expression hardened again and he turned away to stare determinedly out the window. "It's better this way", he replied, his voice almost robotic.

Eluna's heart was hammering wildly in her chest, and she felt tears sting her eyes as she put on her seatbelt, wanting nothing more than to get away from Zack. She drove out of the carpark in silence with tears running down her cheeks. A short while later, she arrived at Zack's house and slammed her foot on the brake unexpectedly, bringing the car to a jerky halt. Zack grabbed onto both sides of his seat instinctively, glaring at Eluna. "What the hell was that for, El? You-" He stopped when he saw Eluna's emotionally distraught face, and guilt set in immediately. Damn it, don't cry. Not now...

"El? You okay?" Zack's voice softened as he reached out to grasp her hand, squeezing it. Eluna snatched her hand away and unlocked her car doors while wiping furiously at her eyes. "Just get the fuck out of my car, okay?" Zack was hurt at the hatred in her voice, but complied with her request nonetheless as he knew better than to mess with her when she was in this state. Before he shut the door, he looked at Eluna one last time before asking quietly, "Drive safely, El...I'll talk to you later." Eluna remained silent, taking in deep breaths as she waited for Zack to step into his house. Moments later, she saw the doors close and immediately stepped on the accelerator, relieved to be away from him.

However, after driving past a few houses she could no longer take the pain and stopped her car beside a tree. Diving for the box of tissues beside her, she cried out in earnest, allowing her emotions to take over. It's better this way, his voice echoed in her head, over and over again. Why would he care anyway? It wasn't as if he was dying to get back together with her, over the past 5 months he had shown literally no signs of affection towards her except for the occasional friendly hug and peck on the cheek.

This just goes to show how much I really meant to him before...I guess I was nothing but an object to satisfy his curiosity about relationships, Eluna thought bitterly to herself. Despite the hurt she felt, it was embarassing to be crying out in the open. Eluna dried the last of her tears and drove home with the radio on full blast. Well, at least I can move on now.

It was exactly like the tragic tale of Romeo and Juliet, but without the finality of death to bring closure to a love that could never be.

It's a love story, baby just say yes.

BORED

Why did I even audition for prom -_-" now I'm stuck in college til 2ish pm and I have nothing to do til 12 30 coz of the darn photoshoot thing. Why lah. I'm so sleepy and I can't even do my assignment coz I left my thumbdrive at home...woe is me. My friends deserted me too! So I'm in the pc lab, bored and lonely and sleepy and grumpy and I just wanna go home!

I don't wanna go to main block coz I'm not in the mood to be crushed by the massive bus crowd. Enduring it twice a day is enough, I have no intention of doubling the amount of stress I feel everytime the bus comes. Bloody hell.

Ok I didn't mean to complain that much, really really PMSy, my "monthly visitor" is coming and as always, I get a massive wave of lethargy for a week before I "welcome" this visitor. Bleh. I haven't been practicing my piano lately coz my NZ aunt is back! And my grandma too! They're both staying in my house so yeah I have plenty of company so that's good. The house isn't deathly quiet everytime I come home like it is when it's just mum and I. Mummy please don't work so hard ok I'll be a better daughter I promise :( I wanna spend more time with you!

I'm happy to see them though, haven't seen my aunt in over a year. She's a finance manager now wowwee and she's getting paid 40NZD/hr for working from Malaysia!! Damn cool I wanna be able to demand that amount of money per hour for working overtime! I admire her because she has 2 degrees and a Masters!! Man for me, if I can just survive degree I'll be happy lol. Although I need Masters to practice but what the heck I don't even know what I want anymore.

Some dude behind me has MJ's "You Are Not Alone" as his ringtone. Awesome. MJ ROCKS! Meh, it's now 11:22 a.m. and on a normal day I would still be happily sleeping but instead I'm here, stoning and counting the minutes til 12:30 p.m. and I think my makeup is smudging (they asked us to wear makeup and dress glamorously, I feel weird!) and UGH I just wanna go home.

Never thought I'd say this but I'd rather be bored at home than bored in college when I am surrounded by people laughing with their friends while I'm alone T_T Geez I have some major issues I need to sort out. And I NEED TO MAKE MORE FRIENDS.

Okokokok what's the one thing that I can do now that will make me happy? ...can't think of anything :(

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Lazybum at a crossroads

Why do I always seem to have this crisis every few weeks, or at the most, every few months? I know my mum said it's normal for someone my age to be totally lost about his or her purpose in life but I just don't know.

On an entirely different note, I'm performing for prom. Yay! But I have no friends to go with. How sad. Imagine me arriving alone...bleh I'll befriend the other performers then. Now I kinda regret auditioning...ughhhhhhh

I can't even get started on the intro and discussion of my PSY111 assignment. Last assignment of the semester and I'm already so damn lazy. It's worth 20% for crying out loud I need to get going! Imagine if I get a C for PSY111. That'll be the end of my CGPA lol. If I get Cs how am I supposed to go all the way to Masters level?

Here I am again, analyzing every microscopic, unimportant area of my adolescent life. Adults would probably pat my head and go "oh you cute little katak di bawah tempurung. It's a big bad world out there."

Hmm...come to think of it, WHAT IS LIFE?

P.S: Is it ok to go to prom alone? I might back out of performing if I'm just gonna be alone looking stupid while everyone's with their friends. I haven't made enough friends yet damn it and I'm not gonna spend hundreds of bucks making myself look pretty when I can't fully enjoy it.

Oh piano, where have you been all my life?

I don't think I've ever been this passionate about a musical instrument before, not even guitar and drums. I think if I were to match my personality with an instrument, I'd say that the piano suits me more. I love guitar and drums as well but they seem suitable for my tomboyish and angsty, wild side. I also learnt those instruments without a single clue about how to read notes. I don't know how I managed to play all of Avril's songs (1st album) on my guitar back then! That's probably why I can't remember anything now because I never learnt to read notes -_-

I think I'm at a stage in my life where I'm mellowing out and searching for happiness, my identity and the meaning of life. I don't really know how to describe it but I feel more connected to the piano, like it's an extension of me. I know I have a keyboard and it's really flat and unemotional but I take lessons using a real piano so...yeah.

Everything comes to life when my fingers dance over the keys and nothing beats the feeling of being able to master your favourite songs! I know I must sound mad, talking about it so passionately but music nurtures my passion while I'm on hiatus in terms of performing arts. To be perfectly honest, nowadays when I'm stressed about uni, just half an hour on the keyboard destresses me and makes me feel alive and motivated again. Music and performing arts is a wonderful way to express myself and is also a good form of therapy! Especially since I'm in psychology now and there's literally no creative outlet ._. Lab reports for 3 years...geez. Boring much?

It's never too late to start pursuing your dreams/learning new things, so keep that in mind y'all! I intend to master my sight-reading by 2012 so that I can finally embark on my musical journey! Songwriting is the first on my list =] Never ever let your passion die and never waste your talents!!

Automatisch

Wenn du lachst
Lachst du nicht
Wenn du weinst
Weinst du nicht
Wenn du fühlst
Fühlst du nichts
Weil du ohne Liebe bist

Damn Tokio Hotel makes good music! Haha, gosh it's week 12 already. SO SLOW. I'm glad the semester is coming to an end, but at the same time I'm so drained already and I really don't want to have to sit for finals, especially since my grades depend on it. Ugh, still have 1 and a half assignments left (excluding peer review and Tuesday's presentation for 105). Give me the strength to pull through.

Watched 2012 today, and now I'm scared. I really hope the end of the world happens in 5 billion years (based on what I read in an encyclopedia) and not in 2012 ._. There's still so much that I want to achieve in life, some people that I should forgive and seek forgiveness from...I want to get married too haha, find the right guy, someone who'll treat me with respect and love me with all his heart.

I'm praying that I get at least a B or B+ for all my subjects this semester, to save my grades...I won't even hope for As since the standard is so high ._.

EDIT: 2:34 a.m.
There are so many students out there who work so hard to maintain a 4.0 (or 5.0 or whatever crazy GPA there is nowadays) and worry about getting an A instead of an A+. So many people out there who want to be top in everything and have a million and one things on their resume to be proud of when they die.

Is that what life is about? I don't want to become that sort of person. Seriously, if I get all Bs this semester (like last sem) I'll be happy. Yes I'm aiming for top honours but if I kill my hopes and dreams and self-esteem and happiness in the process, I'd rather give all of that up just to be happy. You know? Love and be loved. Smile and laugh everyday, appreciate every single living thing on this planet earth. I wanna appreciate each neuron in my body, the heart that is KEEPING ME ALIVE.

I know this is silly, making a reference to a bloody Final Fantasy game, but Aerith from FF7 is a flower girl. She sells flowers. Period. And yet she has this bubbly personality and she is perfectly content just tending to her flowers everyday...now, how many of us can do something simple like that everyday and be happy with ourselves? Doing exactly what we were meant to do on this planet instead of being somebody else and trying to match up to the geniuses of the world?

I know I've broken down many times because I felt that I simply wasn't good enough, wasn't worthy enough of anything. But now, everytime I feel that way, I remember that I was given the gift of life by my parents...and that in itself proves that I am indeed worthy. Of living my life to the fullest on this planet.

Life is beautiful and we should settle for nothing less than peace and happiness. And CONTENTMENT.

I just wanna be, happy. -Leona Lewis

Omg?

The BPsych prom auditions were held today for any aspiring performers, and I remember when I saw the announcement last week I was quite excited, but in the end I chickened out and decided not to audition. Then, a funny thing happened today, my friend Carmen saw me getting onto the bus and apparently recommended my name to the organizer or something.

She asked me to audition, but I hadn't prepared any song to sing...so for some reason I felt like going to watch the auditions for fun. Turns out I saw my neighbour Aaron there (what a coincidence!) and he asked me whether I was singing and I said no...and after a few bands took their turn the announcers asked if there were any more people auditioning. Lol I was so freaked out when Aaron pointed to me and yelled out my name and said something like "You won't regret it!"

In the end I literally had no choice but to audition since the emcee had already spotted me, and I sang a few verses of Love Story (yes I know, so overplayed and it's become very boring) because I was blank and unprepared. I left feeling lightheaded and happy despite the embarrassing audition...

I've been craving to perform again since Kaki Blue ended, but honestly after being exposed to the many talented people in KB, I've labeled my voice as "normal" and "nothing special" because there were a LOT of fantastic singers in KB. Not to mention fantastic dancers and actors too. If I were to rank myself out of 10 just based on KB, I'd say 3/10. Yeah. That bad.

I'm praying that I get chosen though, because I haven't had a solo performance since high school. Thanks a lot for encouraging me guys! Unexpected twist to my day :)

FF7: Crisis Core. (and how games in general are so much different from reality)

SO! Shi Ching was kind enough to lend me her Playstation Portable (PSP) for me to play FF7: Crisis Core. I've never played a Final Fantasy game before in my entire life...mainly because I've never had a Playstation or anything to begin with.

I LOVE THIS GAME. OMG. The continuous fighting is bloody annoying and I'm so sick of killing monsters and people and bosses and summons and GRAHH but honestly Square Enix is smart because they incorporate a good storyline into the Final Fantasy series, which makes it very addictive because the player wants to know more. Cutscenes are why I think anybody would play the game because they're so interesting to watch! Oh and Tifa's outfit is HIDEOUS in Crisis Core. She's about 15 here, why dress her like a slut? Shame on you, producers!

Note: Spoilers ahead, so if you haven't played the game, please click on the X button on the top right corner of this window.

Hem hem. Anyway, moving on. I've reached a point in the game where I have to battle Sephiroth as he goes mad and kills everybody in err...Niebelheimythingy and I died twice so I stopped. At this point I started googling the synopsis and stuff (yes I potong my own steam thank you very much, I'm just a beh tahan person when it comes to stuff like this) and I just feel like I don't want to continue playing anymore until my semester finishes...because I know how it ends ._. And Zack is such a likeable character.

ANYWAY. Gosh. I'm such a nerd. Basically I realized that in games like FF, you can stop anytime you want and let your game be in limbo for eternity if you wish. Life doesn't work like that...if only we could press the *DELETE* button for parts of our life we don't like, right? If only we could stop people from dying, stop wars from happening, reverse pollution, use hyper potions and phoenix dawns...Or *RESTART*, or *SAVE* to retain the precious memories and be able to relive them over and over again. Life just isn't like that. That's why it's life.

Time keeps ticking, the earth keeps rotating on its axis...every day is a treasure and you never know what awaits you the next day when you get up to greet the morning (or afternoon :P) sun. IF you wake up, that is. I know that's a scary thought but that's the way it is, every single day is a gift to us and it's high time I learnt how to enjoy each day as it comes, regardless of how frustrating assignments, group projects and exams can get, or personal relationships with friends and family.

Now, I can always leave the game in limbo, but in the end, I know the protagonist's fate and well, I just have to keep playing since I'm already halfway through. Same goes for my life. I can keep wishing for the semester to end, but if I keep rushing through each day...I'm going to miss out on a lot of things and besides, I'm already halfway through. I think I'll make it.

I'm starting with the man in the mirror!!

It's official, Michael Jackson is the best performer of all time! Of all time! *mocks Kanye West's famous interruption* lol. He's also one of the purest human beings I've ever seen in my entire life...I mean, he has so much love and compassion for every living thing, the forest, children and people in general. I just can't believe he's gone...when I was watching This Is It with Cheri earlier, I was dancing and singing in my seat. (And as usual Malaysian audiences...so unresponsive. No clapping no cheering no singing no dancing no nothing. Just stoning)

I will definitely make sure that I make performing a part of my life...the stage is my home! I can't imagine having to give it up...blah stupid degree. Never mind...knowledge is never wasted. I just hope I won't be too old to break into the music/theatre scene lah!

Our so-called "Halloween" gathering was so much fun, really rejuvenated me after a bloody long (and still ongoing) semester. Now back to work...SIGH. 7 more weeks...THEN SINGAPORE!!!!!!!!!

You've been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooth criminal.